Patiendi Scientia Aeterna

Now that the dust has settle I could try to start this rambling, idiotic ranting about some things but not all of them.

I was there, in the beginning of it all; never missed a chance to remember that one since it’s what holds everything together in the grand scheme of things. Back then you couldn’t trust your gut and even when you did there was a good chance that you were wrong. Maybe stepping way out of your field and get what’s coming to you, but there was a day were non of that matter, just the sound of joy.

I knew the ride was long, couldn’t even begin to think the lengths of which I would get on just to satisfy a smile or try to get one for myself. I remember the first contact pretty well, wasn’t something spectacular but was something cute and innocent, made my part right… ¿Wonder why?, that one is easy… it’s because I was playing myself, as always but this time was in the right kind of flavor, not one made of wits and passive thinking, no. This time was the right one, the one that stuck with me ever since. Never minded the hood, nor the aesthetics of the matter, I was on my own little universe trying to rely on my wits to get around and not get slapped in the process. For me was not a game, in that time was a sincere way to experiment, even if little, a new way of life and procedures. That one that felt so right yet was not the pretended of me or myself during my prior years of developing. The first step is always easy in this regard, due to the nature of the scenario and thus was pretty sweet to finally get a hand on the wheel, taste the power, the prowess of the catch and all the details of every letter typed your way, getting the feeling of being alive and expressing things, true things, naturally born things.

It was a rocky journey, sure, no one can deny that. And even though tears were spilled [on both ends], almost all of the bad moments were staged ones, imbued with both reality and a desperate need to keep the flame on, to not let go. Because if you had to decide to let go of the rope around your neck, or hang to it firmly to keep on breathing, maybe just because you feel like you can pull it off and stand on your feet like it was the first time ever… ¿Would you do it?; at that time there was no question on the mind, I did what I was able to, even thinking against my interest, the immediate ones. I was the person for the job, that one that no one could do in the fashion I did. Sure, someone can judge me and they did, they will and probably never cease to do so; but let me ask you something: ¿Is that really the one bullet you’ll chew on for the rest of eternity?, is it fear or weakness that unfolded in the most critical moments of the ride?. For me the reasoning is clear, only now [thanks to the long and dark years of reflection that I’ve had] I can see the majority, if not all, of the cogs inside the machine. It’s common to think that if something does not work it’s because of the nature of things, maybe it’s just like that from the beginning and thus would be stupid to try so. They call it “Destiny”, and even tho I can respect someone who thinks and believes in that word, I defy it profoundly in my essence because I will never accept nor resign my humanity to that monstrous abomination of life philosophy because it strips the humanity out of the human. We’re our choices and ourselves, we are not doomed nor graced from even way before we took our first breath, and this is the true nature of things, the true nature of the human mind. [And spirit , if you will]. Thus, I have my share of spoils.

Someone once said that they feared the “¿What if?” scenario in which one cannot ever resolve a situation or experience it due to fear or lack of will to try it; it’s ironic that the events later evolved into a big deranged and stupid infused dream parody of that phrase yet… it was good that all that went the way it did. Made me free, liberated me into a world of chaos, anarchy, coldness, and other non pleasant things yet all of these [and more] gave me something that I’ve never had before, and that’s a festering, rancid, and un-rotten will. ¡Sure I had fuckups!, who doesn’t?, but guess what:

Every fuck up I did… that was me.

Every smile I provoked; that was me.

Every breath I stole, that was me.

Every keystroke, that was me.

Every game, that was me.

Every match, every win or loss, that was me.

Every pink eye, that was me.

Every miss trust, that was me.

Every catch or miss, that was me.

Every dream, that was me.

Every erection or wet chair, guess what, that was me.

Every missplaced trust, that was me.

Every well put trust & friendship, that was all me.

Every time a heart choked of cuteness or anger, that was me.

Every finger was me.

I could keep this one for, at least, three pages, but the point is blunt and clear. It’s not about beauty, it’s not about the flesh and bones that dance to the rhythm of some meaningless word in a screen. It’s the essence, it’s the mind and will of one, that made the mark. Like I did in the beginning of this journey, I can see ends; sure I knew how it would end all that jazz that I started playing back in ‘08, ¿How could I not know that one?, all around there was nothing nor no one; it was only me. My family, the two I have, are my blood and bones, yet back in those years I was absent for them since I was starting the process of becoming alive after I was born. Sure, I had experience in life, but even when I started to be able to use my brain, when I gained consciousness of even how to speak and walk, I didn’t knew… I FELT something was off, that something was missing. Had too much noise around at the time to truly start to realize what’s life, trembling years of moving out from place to place, too much shit around to even know that I was a human being and not an accessory. Only when I was in peace, only when I was left alone to deal with my own self… that was the starting point, the beginning of a war that only I could understand and fight, the one that needed to start in order to keep going. And thus, I gained strips, I’ve gained marks and went to whole dimensions of my own mind. Never regret it and never will, for that called “Lies” to ones, for others are necessary steps in order to gain a consciousness and, overall, a life essence. No lie lies forever nor a truth can be hiding for eternity, in this I based my palace which crumbled when I decided to tear it down, tears on my cheeks and a big fucking hammer on my hands.

Even in my silences I was me, never could quiet me down even when I tried, willingly to save others from unnecessary harm. Every single fabric of emotion and reality was me; even when I imbued situations into the mix to keep figures of clay alive, it was all me behind the surface. People never got that one, I don’t blame them because no one can get under the hood like me, it’s understandable that they lack the wits to get down and see the fuse wiring.

With ten sticks and a sand clock I’ve managed to accomplish myself, I went to a mission and succeed in terms that I thought impossible to achieve even from the very beginning. I didn’t missed the end note, because I was right on that one, but I did the trail and that was the meaningful part… the one I couldn’t see back in ‘08.

I’ve played the long game, and lost, yet I’ve won everything that i am.

While my back has a big scar, my heart has a big smile, a thoothy, blood infused, grim. ¿Wanna know why?, well, because even after all that happened, after all the sweat and letters… after the hugs and stares, after all the years of fighting this war, I completed the mission being the truthful one. I’ve loved, cared, cried, wrote, read, and every single action or thought in my true self, even when I had the strings and was pulling down acts and scenarios, my heart and mind were one, were in balance & harmony… it was me. No death march or defeat could tear down my success, nor any external force of nature nor man. I am in peace with myself, I am grateful for myself, because even in death I will be myself, I’ve played my game in my way, I’m the one who gambled knowing first hand, and prior to even sitting on the table, that the game was loss even before it was conceived, I gave it my all and was about to give it even more than that; and yet, even if the game turned out the way I predicted, I still won.

Flesh decays, make up washes away, hell, even the mind itself gets done year after year… Time wasn’t my ally during my war years, but after the war ended, it helped me mend my wounds, I ate sand and blood for almost ten years, yet the time was, and will be my ally now. Time switched sides when the war ended, because there’s no more noble and just end, cause, and will that the one who brings the truth itself.

My palace, my kingdom was doomed and only ruins remain. I will never reconstruct upon those pillars and ruble since that is were my experience lies.

My palace, my kingdom will be raised once more, over the seas, in the great land of wisdom. I will never forget my ruins, for of them I came and learned; yet they’ll serve as a grim warning to my future self and as a grim memoir to any who dares to step on them.

The dead are in the sound of those destroyed yards

The sun and night are in balance.

I am still here, I will always be here, for wisdom is eternal in these lands and so am I.